


Forget-Me-Not

by mcshinwon



Category: Pentagon (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with an end, Hanahaki Disease, I’ll buy you mcd’s as an apology, Multi, Shinwon baby I’m so sorry, The violence cw is more by gore there’s not actually violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 12:40:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20693675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcshinwon/pseuds/mcshinwon
Summary: Shinwon knew there was no way life would have it easy for him. That’s why he wasn’t even surprised when he had an attack and coughed up purple petals instead of yellow ones. Leave it to him to not only end up with a rare disease, but have an even rarer case within it as well. He didn’t see any way he’d make it out alive.





	Forget-Me-Not

**Author's Note:**

> A couple notes here~
> 
> Firstly, huge thanks to Jo (@bodhirookes) for beta’ing this hot mess for me!! Ily bitch thanks for letting me break ur heart <3
> 
> Secondly, this is my first ptg fic yeehaw but anyways disclaimer that this is a work of fiction and the actions of the characters in the fic are not meant to portray who they are irl. <3
> 
> Enjoy~

There were a lot of inconveniences in Ko Shinwon’s life, but most of them were easy enough to ignore or put behind him. He’d worked as hard as anybody to get to where he was, so why couldn’t he just be happy. He was a part of Pentagon, and despite their ups and downs, all of the members meant the world to him. Of course, his life wouldn’t let him be happy that easily. 

He sat at a coffee shop with Yanan; Hyojong and Hyuna sat across from them bickering about something trivial. Shinwon tuned it out for the most part, laughing when Hyuna shot an accusatory glare at the other. They were arguing about a movie or something- Shinwon didn’t care too much because they were both laughing as they continued to bicker. Seeing his friends so happy and unconcerned made him smile. 

He continued to sip his coffee, feeling relatively warm and light, but then he felt his throat constrict as he struggled to get the sip down. Coughing into his elbow, he excused himself from the table and made a run for the bathroom, not looking up from his elbow. Once alone, he looked down and saw a single yellow petal, thin, delicate, and covered in blood. He stared down in confusion, not sure of what he was looking at.  _ Who the hell just coughs up flowers, anyways?  _

He quickly moved to shove the petal in his pocket as he heard the door open and turned to see a concerned Yanan in the doorway.

“Is everything alright?”

Shinwon cleared his throat quickly, trying to compose himself. “Yeah! I just had a coughing fit and didn’t want to be rude,” he said, although he wasn’t sure how convincing he sounded. He wasn’t even sure who he was trying to convince of what. “You don’t have to worry about me! I’ll be right back out. Let me just wash my hands quick,” he said, sending a grin big enough that the corners of his eyes crinkled back to the other. Seeming satisfied, Yanan nodded and went back to the table. 

Shinwon pulled the petal out of his pocket once again, staring down at it in confusion, before scoffing in disgust and throwing it away. Whatever it was, he’d figure it out later. 

He plastered a smile across his face as he made his way back to their table, but the smile did absolutely nothing to hide his situation. He was immediately met with concerned gazes from Hyuna, Hyojong, and Yanan, despite his attempt at reassuring the other. 

“Are you okay?” Hyojong asked, his brows furrowing in concern.

“Yeah, I’m fine! I just had a coughing fit, no big deal,” Shinwon said, laughing to try to lighten the mod.

“Shinwonnie…” Hyuna stared at him with an expression that looked like an equal mix of worried and irritated, “there’s blood on your lip,” she made a move to dab it away with a napkin. Always so caring. Shinwon cursed himself at having not looked in the mirror and making sure he looked fine before leaving the restroom.

He started to flinch away, but let her dote on him, coming up with a lame excuse. “Ah, I musta just bit my tongue is all! I’ll be fine~” 

Nobody at the table looked convinced, but they didn’t press any further. The four of them stayed at the shop for a little while longer, but the conversation didn’t fall into the same rhythm as it had been in before. Shinwon knew it was his fault. He made a scene, made everyone worry, and ruined the mood. Worst of all, he didn’t even know what had happened.

-

That evening, Shinwon couldn’t even think of sleep. Between trying to suppress the itch in his throat and trying to get to the bottom of what had happened, his mind was going too fast for him to consider resting. Instead, he stared tiredly at the screen of his phone as he went through google. 

_ Coughing up flowers?? _

_ Hanahaki meaning? _

_ Hanahaki cures? _

He’d never heard of hanahaki disease before. The entire concept sounded ridiculous to him. He was sick? Because of unrequited love?? So he would be doomed to cough up flowers until it was either returned, he died, or until he got them removed? If only it were that simple.

If he got them removed, he’d forget everything about whoever he had them for, and he couldn’t even think of doing so because he didn’t even  _ know _ who he had them for. Was there a correlation to flower symbolism or was it random? Was it a flower he associated with the person? Hell, Shinwon was no genius and he couldn’t tell what was blooming inside of him from the single petal he’d coughed up earlier that day. Why now of all times? When he was finally feeling confident and solid, why did this have to happen. 

He couldn’t hold back any longer, breaking into a fit of coughs until his body shook as he gagged, rushing to grab the trash bin from under his desk. All that came out was a horrid mixture of bile, blood, and more yellow petals. He struggled to catch his breath and waited for the nausea and pain to fade before wiping his face with a tissue and letting his head drop in defeat. He took the bag and disposed of it in a dumpster outside, hoping that nobody would stop him to ask why he was awake and if he was okay. Thankfully, he was able to do so without any disruption, and he collapsed into his bunk, letting exhaustion finally take over.

-

The next day, Shinwon resolved to go to the used bookshop nearby, hoping to find books on types of flowers as well as flower language. As he was about to leave, he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned around to see Hyunggu standing behind him. “Where are you going? Mind if I join you?” He asked, clingy as ever. Not that Shinwon minded the other’s mannerisms. As much as Hyunggu hated being called cute, it was the best way to describe it. He hadn’t been at the coffee shop yesterday, so Shinwon figured there was no harm in letting him tag along.

“I’m just going to the used book store,” Shinwon said, and he watched as the other boy beamed. He should have known better than to try to go to any book store without the other and making him stay back would have practically been a crime. Hyunggu didn’t need to know the reason for his sudden need to buy books. Shinwon didn’t even think to question why the other was up so early anyways. 

They stopped to get coffee before making their way into the book store, and Shinwon didn’t miss the look of comfort that immediately washed over Hyunggu’s features. The other boy inhaled deeply and grinned largely, immediately getting lost in the piles and piles of books that filled the small space. Shinwon, however, was on a mission, and set out to find books on flowers. It took some time, but he finally came to a small section. There were several encyclopedias and field guides, a textbook from a botany course, a couple books on flower meanings and language, a couple gardening guides, and finally a small book, nestled in between encyclopedias that was written about Hanahaki disease. Shinwon went to reach for the book but then stopped, looking around to make sure nobody saw him. He wouldn’t buy the book because he couldn’t risk Hyunggu knowing what it meant, especially because the other boy was sensitive and worried a lot. He’d just look at it and see if he could find anything he didn’t learn from his late-night web searches. Yeah, that was it.

Except it wasn’t, because right as he reached to pull the book from the shelf, he felt another fit of coughs wrack his body.  _ Great. _ He coughed into his elbow, willing the fit to go away quickly enough so that he wouldn’t get nauseous or attract Hyunggu’s attention. It went away soon enough, but when he pulled his arm back, it wasn’t the small yellow petals he had come to expect. They were round and purple.  _ What? _ Shinwon’s brows furrowed in confusion, and he wiped his face on the sleeve of his shirt, thankful when it didn’t reveal any blood. Then he quickly pulled the book as well as a couple others from the shelf, hurrying to the checkout counter and paying before Hyunggu could make his way up and see what he was buying. 

The cashier added up the book prices, opening each one to find the price that had been handwritten in when the shop had bought it, pausing and frowning at the one on Hanahaki. Shinwon gave them a look that said  _ please don’t say anything, _ and thankfully, the cashier seemed to understand. He didn’t miss the sadness in their eyes as they sighed and put the books in a bag, careful to hide the Hanahaki one in between the two larger volumes and shooting Shinwon a knowing gaze. 

Not a moment later, Hyunggu bounded up to the register holding a small stack of books which ranged from poetry to young adult novels to feminist literature. He was wearing his purple hoodie and Shinwon felt something click in his mind, his expression paling. 

“Hyung, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” the other said, his face turning into a pout. 

“Me? Yeah I’m fine! Don’t worry,” Shinwon said, breaking into a smile and laughing. 

Hyunggu seemed unconvinced, but he moved to change the subject - though not to one much better, to Shinwon’s dismay. “What books did you get anyways? I didn’t know you were a big reader! Mind if I look?”

His forwardness made Shinwon flush. He didn’t want to say no, but he didn’t want Hyunggu worrying about him either. “Ah, just some books about flowers! I saw some really pretty ones the other day and I wanted to try to figure out what they were,” he said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Oh! That’s… interesting! Maybe I’ll borrow one sometime if that’s alright?” He said, his face scrunching up in that cute way it did when he smiled. 

Shinwon was in trouble, and he didn’t miss the concerned look the cashier sent him, but thankfully, Hyunggu was none the wiser. 

Upon returning back to the dorms, the first thing Shinwon did was hide the book on Hanahaki in his pillowcase, thankful that it was the type that zipped close. The second thing he did was begin leafing through the field guide he had, looking at the pictures of flowers and flipping through the pages as they went further into the alphabet. He was sure that without a doubt, the petals from the book store had been…. 

_ Violet _

He didn’t care about the meanings behind the flower because he already knew who it was for. That didn’t explain where the yellow petals had come from though, and he began flipping through the book again, this time more slowly, examining each picture carefully, pausing for a long time on any page that contained flowers with yellow petals until he paused on one closer to the end. 

_ Sunflower _

Of course, it was a sunflower, and he cursed himself for being so unaware. Thinking back on the petals, it should have been obvious to him. But why sunflowers? He hadn’t heard of multiple flowers being attributed to the same person. 

He set his book down, timidly leaving the room to look around the dorm and see what everyone was up to. Most of them were gone, thankfully, save for Yuto and Wooseok, who were crouched slightly too close to the television screen as they smashed away at the controllers in their hands. Satisfied that nobody would interrupt him, Shinwon returned to his room and pulled out the book on Hanahaki, opening it and skimming the contents.

He finally settled on flipping to a section near the end on unusual circumstances. The chapter was relatively short, although the whole book was pretty small. It didn’t even take him a half an hour to skim through the section and learn what he needed to know. 

The first thing Shinwon learned was that none of these unusual circumstances happened to be miracles in which somebody miraculously survived.

The second thing that he learned was that it was very possible to have Hanahaki for more than one person. 

-

That night, Shinwon drifted in and out of sleep, his dreams alternating between nightmares about dying and sweet visions of Hyunggu’s glowing smile and the sound of Hyojong laughing. At one point, he woke up and scrawled something down on a note, passing back out almost immediately after. The next morning, he was woken up by a concerned Hui, standing at the foot of his bed, looking at the sticky note in confusion. 

“Shinwon? Why do you have Hyunggu’s and Hyojong’s favorite flowers written down on a note? Also, do you realize what time it is? It’s unusual for you to sleep in so late! You’re not coming down with something, are you?” 

Shinwon blinked wearily at Hui, his brain still attempting to decipher what had been said to him in his current half-asleep state. He reached out and took the note from the other and looked at his scribbled note. “Dunno. I was having weird dreams last night so maybe that’s why?” he said with a yawn.

The answer seemed to satisfy Hui, but he still seemed concerned. “Well, why don’t you come and eat with us! Don’t need you getting sick on us now,” he said, patting his shoulder before leaving the room. 

Shinwon stared at the note in his hand, not knowing what to do. As far as the sunflowers were concerned, there was absolutely nothing he could do. In his reading, he’d found out that in rare occasions, one could make the disease go away by falling out of love with someone. Most of the people who’d been that lucky had only been so due to avoiding people and cutting them off. That couldn’t be healthy. On top of that, Shinwon didn’t even realize he had  _ had _ feelings about Hyojong. He thought of the other fondly, but he didn’t realize he thought of him in any way more than a friendly one. He knew that avoiding him would just cause himself stress, and make the other more concerned, and if he had to confront him about it, he knew he’d just break down. 

Hyunggu and his violets were a different matter entirely. There was nothing really keeping Shinwon from telling the other his feelings, but at the same time he didn’t want to be a burden. He’d just cause the other distress and he didn’t like seeing Hyunggu upset. He knew that avoiding the other would be a futile mission considering how clingy he was. 

He also knew that he couldn’t get the flowers taken out. There was no way that would happen. If he had to die tragically, then so be it.

Logically, he couldn’t think of any way that his life - as it currently was - would work out if he just completely forgot two important people in it. While in the eyes of the public, he knew that it wouldn’t be as noticeable if he forgot Hyojong (who was he kidding, they were supposed to act like they didn’t know him anymore half of the time and it was exhausting), he couldn’t stand the thought of completely forgetting about his friend. If he forgot about Hyunggu, well, he wasn’t sure how they’d be able to work together anymore. They were a group and they all relied on each other so much that such a thing was almost laughable to Shinwon. So the flowers would have to stay. 

The thought of dying wasn’t what scared him. It was all the people he’d leave behind. Pentagon and Universe were like a second family to him, and it seemed like a lose-lose situation. 

It was with heavy thoughts on his mind that he finally rolled out of bed, joining the others for breakfast. Everyone was already awake and chatting enthusiastically with one another, but the conversation faded as he wandered in the room and took a seat. 

“Are you alright, man?” Hongseok asked from across the table, frowning in concern.

“I’m feeling a little under the weather, but I’m sure it’ll pass soon enough!” Shinwon replied, flashing a huge - and fake - grin at the other. His throat was scratchy, so he gulped down some water, hoping to ease it and avoid making a scene, and then he dug into his food. Eating eased the discomfort for the time being and for the moment, he felt normal. 

“Ah, maybe I shouldn’t have woken you then,” Hui said with a pout, patting him on the shoulder. 

Shinwon laughed, grabbing his hand and squeezing it for a moment before letting it go, “You don’t need to apologize for everything,” he said. “I’ll survive,”  _ Will he? _ “It’s probably just a cold!”  _ He was dying in the literal sense of the word.  _

“Alright, but please don’t overexert yourself! Be sure to let someone know if you need to step back for a moment and take a break.”

“Aye aye, cap’n,” Shinwon responded with a mock salute, before digging into his food. 

-

That day, they were working on learning choreography. Outside, the heat was sweltering enough that one would have thought it was the middle of summer, but it was nearing the end of September. The air was thick and humid, and everyone had come to the conclusion that it would storm soon, so they toted their umbrellas with them to the studio. Inside, the air was nice and cool, providing a sweet relief to them all as they stretched and began rehearsing. 

Things were going pretty well for the most part, and the choreography wasn’t too complicated, so it was mostly about getting the muscle memory down. They were running through the whole song from the top after finally getting the end of it down, but Shinwon felt his stomach lurch and left the formation midsong without any warning, making a dash to the bathroom. He heard the music stop and the sound of concerned voices echoing from the room and heard Hui mention that the other wasn’t feeling too well and he made a mental note to thank Hui later.

He made it to the bathroom just in time, coughing up everything he’d eaten for breakfast and then petals. While the sunflower petals didn’t make an appearance, the violets were still there as well as unfamiliar red ones.  _ Jesus Christ, who is it now, _ Shinwon thought to himself, his head hanging over the bowl as he caught his breath.

He shakily got up, flushing the toilet and making sure none of the petals straggled, going to the sink and splashing cold water on his face. 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” A voice asked from behind him and he turned to see Yanan standing in the doorway. The other definitely knew that Shinwon wasn’t okay at this point, and he could see the wheels turning in his head as he tried to figure out what exactly was wrong with him.

Shinwon shrugged, not really sure how to answer. “I dunno, but it’s probably nothing! I probably just have a bug or something,” he said, laughing weakly. 

“I think it’s more than that, but if you’re not gonna talk about it then I won’t press. Just know I’m here for you. Also know that I can’t do anything to help you if you don’t open up.”

Shinwon felt cornered. Should he tell Yanan? He decided he’d open up, but not give full details. He didn’t need to know what exactly Shinwon was suffering from. “Okay, maybe it’s more than a bug… but I don’t really understand what it is or what’s wrong with me, so I don’t think there’s anything you can do about it,” he said with a frown.

Yanan raised an eyebrow at him but didn’t force him to elaborate on it too much. “Well, everyone decided that you should take the rest of the day to rest. With that time, you should go to the hospital and figure out if there’s anything they can do to help you. I don’t want you to be sick,” he said, giving him a half hug before leaving him alone.  _ The only thing the hospital could do is take them out,  _ he thought, clenching his fist and sighing deeply. He resolved to go anyways just to put the others at ease. Maybe there was something they could prescribe to him that would help with the pain or help hold it back at least a little bit. 

He left quickly, saying a quick goodbye to the others and telling them not to worry, but he went back to their place first to grab his flower books before he went to the hospital. He figured he’d probably have to wait to get in for a while, so he might as well read up on the mystery petals.

When he walked into the waiting room, he immediately felt self-conscious. What if someone had seen him on the way to the hospital - what if someone saw him while he was waiting? He signed in, hyper aware of his surroundings as he sat down in a corner and pulled out one of his books, resting it on his lap in a way that hopefully nobody would see the cover or what was inside. Everyone in the waiting room seemed more concerned with their own problems, as they should be, but he was still paranoid. He couldn’t risk something like that getting out because then everybody would freak out and it’d be even more tiring for him than it already was. 

As he flipped through the pages of the field journal, he was able to find a picture that resembled the flower from earlier pretty quickly.  _ Dahlia _ . It was native to Mexico and could be a variety of different hues, although the petals he’d coughed up had been red. Not feeling like that was enough to go off of, he put the field journal away and pulled the book on flower language out of his bag instead, looking through the pages until he found the section on dahlias. If anyone asked about what he was reading, he’d just tell them that he wanted to make a bouquet for someone special or some other lame excuse. 

According to the book, common dahlias had a variety of meanings ranging from strength, balance, and commitment to even being a warning of potential betrayal. Shinwon didn’t think the betrayal part was relevant, and as he read further down the page he saw that red dahlias specifically were symbolic of power and strength. While he thought of everyone as having power and strength, there was one person specifically who stuck out to him in his mind when he thought about it. Power, strength, balance, and especially commitment screamed Hui in his mind. 

Why was this happening to him.

He didn’t have time to mope about it very long, however, as his name was called, and he followed a nurse into the back. They went over the basic questions and procedures anyone had to go through when they went to the hospital, and then they looked at what he had written down as his reason for visiting and frowned. “We have a specialist here that you can talk with, so hang tight while I let him know. You might have to wait a little bit if he’s busy though,” they said. Their tone of voice wasn’t very comforting to Shinwon, so he just nodded silently, shaking his legs as he waited for the ‘specialist’ to see him.

He ended up having to wait about 20 minutes because the man in question was seeing another patient at first, but then he came in the room, giving Shinwon a cold smile. “So, you’re the Hanahaki patient, hm?” he asked, looking down at the clipboard in his hands to see what details Shinwon had written down, which admittedly was not very much. 

“Yes, I am, sir, and you don’t have to sugarcoat things for me. I read up enough on it to know it’s fatal,” he said, and while his voice was steady, something in his chest ached when he admitted it out loud. “I don’t want a cure for it because with my current situation, forgetting about the involved people wouldn’t be good-”

“Oh my, how many people have you got it for?” The man asked, pushing up his spectacles and clicking his pen as he began to take notes. 

“As far as I know, three, but I also have terrible luck so…” he trailed off, staring at his shoelaces. When the man didn’t respond immediately, Shinwon looked up at him with a pleading expression., “Iis there anything I can take to slow it down? Or at least make it less painful? I thought I read something somewhere on the internet about there being supplements. Please, I just…” he let the sentence die as the man stopped taking notes and looked up at him, nodding and humming.

“I can prescribe you supplements. As long as you acknowledge that they’re not a cure and will only temporarily help. I must warn you though, they do cause a decrease in your overall mood, and as a result you could experience symptoms of depression,” he said. Shinwon wanted to laugh. He was already depressed, he was dying for fuck’s sake. If the medicine helped him at least be able to act normal, he didn’t care. 

“That’s fine, sir,” he replied.

The doctor asked him a few more questions, such as when he first started getting symptoms and how bad they were, trying to gauge what type of dosage he should give him. “Unfortunately, I can’t give you an estimate of how long you have, as cases in which the patient has Hanahaki for multiple people are already extremely rare. There’s not a whole lot of information to go off of, but in the meantime, I hope that you can find some peace with yourself.” 

Shinwon nodded, taking the prescription order from him and thanking him for his help before going to leave. Maybe he could deal with this for now. Maybe he could pretend things would be fine for a little bit. 

-

The next few days passed relatively uneventfully. The supplements hadn’t really had any sort of noticeable effect as far as he had noticed, but for the time being, his symptoms had seemed to have plateaued. While occasionally, he coughed up a few petals, he hadn’t gotten sick again like he had before. While the situation was less than ideal, it was tolerable at least. 

Everyone nagged him to make sure he was resting and being healthy but staying cooped up inside for the past few days had definitely decreased his mood and energy level. He needed to get out and do something, even if it was just to walk to the coffee shop down the street or to the store to pick something up. Eventually, with his nagging, he was able to do so, but not without half of the group coming with him to keep an eye on him.

So that’s how he ended up in a crowded coffee shop sandwiched between Changgu and Yanan, with Hui, Hyunggu, and Hongseok across from him. They definitely had gotten a few stares and Shinwon thanked whatever was watching over them that he was feeling relatively okay at the moment. Apparently Shinwon’s break was going to be extended through promotions for their upcoming comeback. As much as it pained Shinwon to have to sit out, he knew that they had his best interests in mind, and he knew that Universe would want him to rest and get healthy too. If only they knew.

Yanan had tried to get more info out of Shinwon, and from the glances that he kept getting from the other, he knew that he was nowhere near being in the clear yet, but the other seemed to not press more after his attempts at questioning Shinwon again had failed, and he was thankful for that at least. It touched him that the other cared so much for his health, but he didn’t want to worry him or be a burden, so he had refused to go into detail about what had come out of his hospital visit, only saying that he’d been given some antibiotics. 

Shinwon slowly sipped his coffee, savoring the rich flavor as he watched Hyunggu speak animatedly from across from him. He wore a huge grin on his face and his laugh was enough to lift Shinwon’s spirits. He was talking about their outing to the bookshop the other day, describing one of the books he’d bought - and apparently already somehow had the time to finish - to Hui. The other listened to him intently, not breaking eye contact and humming and nodding in response. While Shinwon had been shocked by the appearance of the petals at first, they had begun to make more sense to him. He couldn’t help but admire the two in front of him, and he’d realized that it wasn’t that he hadn’t before - the appearance of the flowers just made him realize that maybe that admiration wasn’t purely platonic. But then it made him wonder, if these feelings he held for his friends which he so long thought were platonic were actually something more, then things would definitely not be so easy for him. Shinwon had never been the best at deciphering how he felt about others, and as a result he usually avoided relationships, but now apparently his inability to decipher his own emotions had come back to bite him. Why did he of all people have to have whatever recessive trait made him specifically end up being susceptible to Hanahaki disease? It wasn’t fair, but then again, was life fair to anybody who had a disease?

Shinwon was broken out of his daze when he heard Hyunggu say his name. “Wonnie is who took me to the shop! He got a few books too! They were about flowers! Who would have known he’d have a soft spot for plants like our Hyojong right?” He was grinning at Shinwon, and Hui and Hongseok looked amused at the revelation. While Changgu didn’t seem to think one way or the other about it, Shinwon could feel Yanan’s gaze drilling holes into the side of his head. 

“Oh, well what can I say,” he said with a laugh, scratching the back of his neck and grinning.  _ Don’t panic. _ “If you’ll excuse me though, I’ll be right back,” he stood up and pushed his chair in behind him, making his way to the bathroom.  _ Don’t panic.  _ Once inside and by himself, he splashed cold water in his face, taking a deep breath. There was no way Yanan knew about Hanahaki, right?  _ Don’t panic.  _ His ears were ringing, and he felt his stomach lurch, so he ran into one of the stalls, heaving out a mixture of his usual violets, dahlias, and sunflowers, but this time there were three more flowers added to the mix. “Shit,” he cursed to himself aloud as he heard the door open. He knew exactly who it is.

“Stop bullshitting me,” Yanan said sharply, letting out a sigh and sitting on the ground on the other side of the stall door. 

“What makes you think I’m bullshitting you?” Shinwon asked weakly.

“What makes you think I don’t know you have Hanahaki,” the other was just as quick to retort back. The statement stung and hung in the air, ringing in the uneasy silence that settled between them. 

“Yanan, I-” 

“Do you understand how serious this is? Who is it for? You have to go get treatment-” he began.

“I can’t tell you. I’m sorry, but you have to promise not to tell the others,” Shinwon replied. 

“What?” Yanan asked incredulously. “You seriously can’t expect me to just let you die? What on Earth could possibly be worth dying for?”

Shinwon laughed, the sound weak and sad as it echoed throughout the room. “You have no idea,” he said. “Just please, Yanan. Please do this for me, okay?” 

He heard the defeated sigh of the other. “Whatever. I’ll leave you to your self-destructive moping for now, but if I find you on your deathbed, I’m taking you into the hospital. Christ,” he sounded exasperated. 

“I know you think that taking me into the hospital would be the right thing, but I can promise you that if you do, I won’t come out the same. I don’t even know if I’ll know who I am anymore,” he said. He was aware of how dramatic it probably sounded, but it was also the truth. He had just coughed up six different types of flowers, and at this rate he could only assume that there were three more that hadn’t yet shown their faces. It was only a matter of time. 

“If you don’t want them to worry, I’d suggest hurrying and cleaning yourself up before you come back out,” Yanan finally said after a long silence, getting up and leaving the room. Shinwon stared at the petals in front of him in disgust before getting up and flushing the toilet, hoping to leave the incident behind him for the rest of the day. The few days when he’d been forced to rest suddenly seemed like paradise compared to what had just happened, and now there was no way he’d get Yanan off his back. And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to either. He only hoped that the other wouldn’t try to make choices for him when his time came. 

Once he looked presentable again (and this time he actually checked in the mirror to make sure), Shinwon headed back out with a grin on his face, and other than Yanan, the group was none the wiser. Hongseok and Changgu were now caught up in a conversation about an anime they’d both begun watching (at Wooseok’s recommendation), and Hyunggu - in Hyunggu fashion - was listening with his undivided attention, seeming completely enthralled by the conversation. Shinwon wondered if he ever looked at him with that same expression, and then immediately made himself stop thinking about it. If anything, thoughts like that would only trigger another coughing fit and the last thing he needed was to cough up a bunch of violets in the middle of the coffeeshop. 

-

That night, he sat in his room leafing through the book on flower language. He was looking for daffodil, anthurium, and calla lily. Without knowing the meanings and based on aesthetics alone, he had his suspicions on which flower corresponded with which person but flipping through the book only gave him further confirmation. The daffodils were for Changgu, the anthurium for Hongseok, and the Calla Lilies for Yanan. Yanan, who was currently sitting next to him and watching over his shoulder as he flipped through the pages. While he didn’t make any move to question who the flowers were for- or why Shinwon was reading about multiple flowers- Shinwon could practically feel the confusion and worry radiating off of the other. 

“You’ve gotta do something about this,” Yanan finally spoke, breaking the silence and jerking Shinwon’s attention away from the book. 

“What can I even do? I’m taking supplements that help to keep it at bay for the most part, but I know that’s not a permanent solution. I don’t know what to do.”

“I know that forgetting someone important sounds terrifying, but you can always meet them again, and you can always make new memories with them and-”

“What about the old memories? What about the amount of time that it takes to remember someone you forgot? How could you say something like that?” Shinwon cut Yanan off, snapping his book shut and sending a piercing gaze at the other.

Yanan shook his head with a sad sigh and cupped Shinwon’s cheek with one of his hands. “I can say something like that because…” he could feel something in him shatter with the gaze that Yanan sent his way, “I’ve had it before. And I got the flowers removed despite being incredibly close with the person I had them for. I… it was terrifying. But I survived, and I was able to stay friends with them without them ever realizing I had forgotten them in the first place.” Yanan wasn’t looking at Shinwon anymore, staring at the floor instead. “I know it sounds terrible and fake, but I didn’t want anyone to have to see me suffer,” he continued speaking when Shinwon still hadn’t replied.

He was processing the information. If Yanan had had Hanahaki before then it must’ve been… “Is that why you were gone for such a long time?” Shinwon asked quietly. The other didn’t reply, fearing that his voice might crack, instead just giving a quick nod. 

“Who was it?” 

Yanan laughed bitterly, shaking his head.

“‘Nannie? Who did you have it for?” Shinwon grabbed the hand that was still resting on his cheek and gave it a comforting squeeze. 

Finally, the other looked up and Shinwon could see that there were tears forming in his eyes. Without any warning, Yanan leaned forward. The feeling of soft lips confused Shinwon at first, and then his brain caught up and he realized he probably shouldn’t just sit there like an idiot. He closed his eyes and leaned into the kiss, his mind going in a million directions at once. He was overwhelmed with feeling. He was sad that Yanan had to go through something like that by himself; he cursed himself for never noticing anything had happened to the other;, he felt warmth at the honesty and support, even if Yanan had been a bit thin on patience-, but who was he kidding, Yanan had every right to worry as much as he did. Most of all, Shinwon felt fear. 

He pulled back.

He watched as Yanan’s expression shifted to something of regret. “God, Shinwon, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done-”

“Stop,” Shinwon said, sending him a piercing gaze. “You really don’t have to apologize. I… I love you so much, but I have a lot of explaining to do,” he said, staring down at the book that was sitting in his lap. 

“What do you mean?” the other replied, but then watched as Shinwon began to flip through the pages of his book again, returning to the page on Calla Lilies, a frown set on his face. He pointed at the image of the flower, and then pointed at Yanan’s chest with the same finger.

“These? Were for you. I wish it was as simple as that, because then I’d probably be cured. It’s way more complicated than that, unfortunately,” Shinwon said, carefully watching Yanan and gauging his reaction before continuing to speak slowly, “Yanan. Even if the Lilies aren’t going to be a problem, I still have eight other flowers to worry about. I’ve already seen the first six, and even with one of those gone, I can only assume that it’s only a matter of time before the others show their faces…” He stopped talking, waiting for Yanan to say something. Anything. The other stared at him in silence for a long time. Shinwon couldn’t tell what was going through his head. Was he disgusted? Did he hate him now? Did he pity him? The other’s expression was impossible to read, but his gaze was so intense that it chilled Shinwon to the core. When he finally spoke, it was a single word:

“Shit.”

“I understand if you hate me now, but I need you to promise not to tell-” Yanan cut Shinwon off before he could finish his sentence.

“No, no. I don’t hate you. Don’t you dare think that. I just. It’s a lot to take in is all. I’m assuming the flowers… they’re for all of us, yeah?” Shinwon didn’t speak, he just slowly nodded his head, waiting to see where Yanan was going. “Shit,” he cursed again, “I… I don’t even know what to say. I understand why you don’t want anybody to know, and I understand why you don’t want the flowers taken out but… I don’t want to watch you fade away,” he said, his voice growing small. “I don’t care who you love, because while I might not remember what happened or my exact feelings when I had it for you, I love you just the same even now. It was terrifying enough to try to remember one person, but I can’t imagine trying to remember eight other people. Hyojong too, hm?” 

Shinwon nodded. 

“I’m so sorry, Shinwon,” Yanan whispered, leaning in and wrapping him in a tight embrace. Shinwon had done a good job of keeping it together thus far. He’d been able to put on a grin and act like nothing was happening. It was Yanan’s ‘sorry’ and the embrace that followed that broke the barrier that he’d so carefully constructed. Tears rushed to his face and he buried it in the other’s neck.

“I don’t know what to do,” he said, his voice cracking. “I… I can’t just forget everybody, it’s not fair… none of this is fair… I don’t know what to do,” he kept repeating as his body shook with sobs. The soft feeling of Yanan’s hand rubbing circles on his back did little to comfort him. He was really going to die. There wasn’t any way around it. For some reason, the thought of death still seemed way less terrifying than forgetting everyone around him. 

“We’ll figure it out, okay? I won’t leave your side anymore. I’m here,” Yanan said back softly, his heart breaking a million times over for Shinwon. The two of them stayed like that for the rest of the night, eventually falling asleep tangled in a way that could barely be considered comfortable. 

As Hyunggu wandered down the hall to get a glass of water, he noticed that Shinwon’s light was still left on. He peered into the room and saw Shinwon and Yanan asleep, tangled in each other with one of Shinwon’s flower books resting on their laps. Although they were asleep, their faces were both stained with dried tears. He had the feeling that he shouldn’t be there and that he was invading something deeply personal, but he stepped into the room quietly and put the book and the others that were left on the bed in a neat stack on Shinwon’s desk, barely thinking about their titles, and then draped a blanket over both of them before turning off the light and backing out of the room. He didn’t like seeing either of them sad, so he made a mental note to do something nice for them tomorrow. 

-

When Shinwon woke up the next morning, he was confused and disoriented. Yanan was still tangled with him, but he didn’t remember either of them actually grabbing a blanket-, so why were they under one?. It felt the same as when Shinwon would fall asleep on the couch as a kid, only to wake up in his room, snugly tucked in. Not only were they covered, but the books were sitting in a neat stack on his desk. For a second, he didn’t think anything of it, but then he realized that among them was the book specifically on Hanahaki disease. Shit. He did a silent prayer, hoping that whoever had put them there hadn’t actually read the titles. 

Yanan was still asleep, so Shinwon took care to untangle himself without waking the other. A quick glance at his clock told him it was still fairly early in the morning, but not too early for some of the others to be awake. After stretching and taking his supplements, he wandered out into the living area. He could hear someone humming in the kitchen but it was too early, it couldn’t possibly be... as Shinwon rounded the corner he saw a tired Hyunggu carefully making eggs and bacon, but it was enough that it was intended for more people than him. Shinwon glanced out into the living room, and the only other person he saw was Hongseok, who looked like he had just gotten back from a run or the gym or something, and was now drinking a smoothie. Hongseok being awake didn’t phase Shinwon at all, and he gave the other a grin. 

Why the hell was Hyunggu awake and cooking food? Not that he didn’t know how to or was a bad cook, but the other was notorious for sleeping in and being the complete opposite of a morning person, and usually he let other people cook for him. 

Hyunggu continued to hum to himself, seemingly oblivious to Shinwon’s presence. Shinwon would have been content to just sit there and watch Hyunggu be in his own world all day long but his curiosity about the other’s plans was stronger.

“Early plans today?” Hyunggu jumped, yelping and turning around at the voice right behind him, his plastic spatula raised in defense. Shinwon couldn’t help but laugh at the look of alarm that covered his features.  _ Cute.  _ His face scrunched up and his cheeks turned pink with embarrassment when he realized that it was just Shinwon sneaking up on him. 

“Not necessarily,” he said, turning around and checking on the eggs and bacon in front of him. Shinwon watched as he began to plate them, putting them into a smiley face and then handing the plate over.

Shinwon was surprised at the plate being handed to him but took it gratefully, feeling his face heat up. “Aw, babe you shouldn’t have~ You’re gonna be the death of me,” he said in a singsong voice, although he could feel the weight behind his own words. If Hyunggu noticed anything wrong with his tone, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he began to make another plate, putting the eggs and bacon in the same cute little smiley face. 

“Well, don’t go dying on me yet. I’ve got lots of plans for the day,” he said, grinning at him with determination. Then he took the other plate out of the kitchen and began walking down the hall.

Shinwon watched as Hyunggu walked back towards the bedrooms with the plate in hand. He was confused, until he saw him turn and wander into Shinwon’s room, probably to give the plate of food to Yanan. So that was who had taken care of them last night. Shinwon couldn’t say he was surprised, but the determination of the other touched him nonetheless. He wondered how messed up they must have looked when Hyunggu found them if it inspired him to set an alarm and wake up at what he would have otherwise called an “ungodly” hour. 

He wandered out into the living room, taking a seat next to Hongseok as he began to devour his plate of food, barely paying attention to the smiley face that Hyunggu had carefully constructed. 

“Heard Hyunggu found you and Yanan snuggling last night~” Hongseok said in a joking voice and Shinwon choked on his bacon. 

It took several coughs for him to regain composure, and he could feel his cheeks heating up. Hongsoek snorted at the reaction, but he wasn’t the only one who had noticed it. He heard a confused yell from Hyunggu and then quick footsteps, and he turned around to see Yanan, with his hair sticking up in every direction, staring at him in fear, followed by Hyunggu, who was holding the plate and looking between them with confusion. Shinwon knew exactly what was going through Yanan’s mind and smiled at him, giving him a thumbs up to let him know that he was fine, and the other sighed with relief and took the plate from Hyunggu.

“Sorry for scaring you, I didn’t mean to panic. Thank you for the meal,” he said, bowing his head quickly in apology. 

“I…” Hyunggu faltered, still very confused, before nodding and pasting a grin on his face. “Don’t mention it. You guys looked like you needed it,” he said, before going back into the kitchen to grab a plate for himself and join the others in the living room. 

“Don’t scare me like that,” Yanan whispered as he took a seat next to Shinwon. 

“Tell Hongseok not to say weird things while I’m in the middle of eating,” he retorted, still blushing. 

“Heard that,” Hongseok said between sips of his smoothie. “No need to be embarrassed. I support you two,” he said, getting up and patting them both on the heads with a snicker as he walked past them, probably to go shower. 

Shinwon buried his face in his hands, and Yanan stared at the smiley face on his face, his face quickly turning just as pink as Shinwon’s. “He’s never going to let you guys live that down,” Hyunggu said as he sat down where Hongseok had just gotten up from, taking a big bite of an egg. He did a little happy dance, seeming to be satisfied with the meal he’d made. 

“I’m worried about you. Both of you,” he said in between bites of his food. “I don’t know what happened, and I understand if you can’t open up to me, but I’m here for you,” he spoke slowly and seriously. “So let me take you two out today. We’ll just have fun and relax. I already got permission, so we don’t have to worry about it. Also, when I say let me, I hope you both know that that means you don’t have a choice.” 

Shinwon and Yanan stared at him in confusion and then stared at each other with an equal degree of confusion. 

“Great. It’s a date then. I’ll see you both here in half an hour, so you better eat your breakfast before it gets cold and get ready quickly~” Hyunggu said, scarfing down the last bite of his food before heading out into the kitchen to rinse his plate off and leaving Yanan and Shinwon sitting there in a mixture of shock and confusion. Neither of them said a word until the other left to get dressed. 

“You know, Hyunggu is probably the worst one out of us all to have Hanahaki for,” Yanan said. Even though he was being completely serious, and his face was solemn, Shinwon couldn’t help but laugh. He laughed so hard that his sides hurt and tears formed at the corners of his eyes, and the whole time, Yanan stared at him in shock. 

“You know, when he first handed me the plate, I told him he’d be the death of me, and he said not to go dying on him yet because he had plans for the day. I said it as a joke, but I didn’t realize how much truth there was to it,” Shinwon said as an explanation, continuing to chuckle. Yanan looked confused but he said nothing. 

“C’mon,” Shinwon said, standing up and patting Yanan’s thigh, “let’s get ready and see what Hyunggu has planned. 

-

It turned out that Hyunggu’s plans were about as close to a date that one could get without it actually being a date. They went to a gallery and took in all the art present and while Shinwon didn’t understand what everything meant, it was hard to keep his eyes off of Hyunggu. If he was being honest, Hyunggu was the real masterpiece there and it was impossible not to watch as the younger man stared at everything with the most enraptured expression as he took in every detail of every piece. 

Yanan hung close to Shinwon and while he looked at every piece and read every plaque, he kept casting concerned glances at the other, occasionally giving his hand a soft squeeze when he saw the way the other stared at Hyunggu. There was no mistaking how in love Shinwon was with Hyunggu. Yanan didn’t feel jealousy, but he felt pain. Pain at how the other was letting himself die and couldn’t see any choice other than a slow death. When Hyunggu was standing far enough away that Yanan could speak in a whisper without being overheard, he leaned close to Shinwon.

“Why don’t you tell him?”

Shinwon turned swiftly to give him a shocked expression. “I can’t,” he said. 

“Why not? Haven’t you seen the way he looks at you? If you told him then-”

“He’d blame himself. Yanan, I know you mean well but do you really think that’s a good idea? Even if… even if the feeling was reciprocated, that would only be a fraction of the cure, and the only thing worse than dying of a disease is watching someone you love die. I can’t confess to him and then make him watch me die,” he said. When he met Yanan’s eyes, the other was staring at him with a sad expression.

“Then why are you making me watch you die?” 

The words hung in the air and Shinwon mentally punched himself but before he could respond, Yanan was walking away. Shit. “Yanan, wait,” Shinwon raised his voice, moving to follow the other. At the sound of Shinwon’s voice, Hyunggu looked up from the sculpture he was currently examining, watching with concern and Shinwon ran after Yanan into the bathroom. He knew he shouldn’t pry but… damn it. Once they both disappeared inside, Hyunggu followed after, trying to listen in on their conversation. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Shinwon’s voice sounded. 

Silence.

“You know I love you just as much as him, just as much as everyone else. I didn’t mean for it to sound like I didn’t.”

Silence. 

“I don’t know how to deal with any of this, and I’m trying to hurt as few people as possible. There’s no way in hell everybody else feels the same so either way things won’t last for me. I just want to pretend like things are fine and have fun while I can.”

More silence.

“Please say something. You know I’d do anything for you. I don’t know how to make it up to y-” Shinwon’s voice cut off abruptly and Hyunggu heard a sharp inhale of surprise. Realizing what was happening he walked away from the door quickly, a blush covering his face. He went back to the piece he’d been looking at, trying to act nonchalant so that they’d be none the wiser when they came back out, but his mind was elsewhere as he tried to make sense of the conversation. 

_ You know I love you just as much as him, just as much as everyone else. _

Hyunggu tried to dissect the conversation in his head. Based on the end result of the conversation, he could only assume that when Shinwon said love, he meant something other than purely platonic feelings. But who were they talking about? And what did Shinwon mean by everyone else? There was no way he could have been talking about the whole group, right? But then there was also the fact that Shinwon was talking about not wanting to hurt many people. What was that supposed to mean? The “things won’t last for me,” rang in Hyunggu’s head and he felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach. What on Earth did Shinwon mean by that?. He was talking like he was on his deathbed and it scared Hyunggu to the core. He knew eavesdropping wasn’t right, but he was worried. And if anything, overhearing the conversation only made him more worried. 

A long time passed before they came back out; Hyunggu had even sat down on a bench that was off to the side because he didn’t want to move onto the next room without them. When they emerged, their faces were both slightly flushed, but thankfully, Hyunggu didn’t notice any tears.

“Is everything okay?” hHe asked, standing up quickly and unable to hide his concern. Shinwon and Yanan exchanged glances that Hyunggu couldn’t quite read, but he didn’t miss the way that Yanan squeezed the other’s hand. 

“Yeah…” Shinwon said awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “But… if you don’t mind, can we move on to something else? I need to talk to you about something, but I don’t want to do so in such a quiet place,” he said and Hyunggu watched as he frowned. Yanan gave a nod of encouragement. 

Hyunggu felt like someone had reached into his chest and twisted his heart, and not trusting himself to speak, he just nodded quickly. Maybe they were going to shed light on whatever that conversation had been about. Part of Hyunggu wanted to know everything immediately, but the other part of him felt dread settle in the pit of his stomach. The way Shinwon had been talking like he was dying still left a bitter taste in his mouth and Hyunggu didn’t know what the outcome of the situation would be. 

He followed the pair out of the gallery, eyes unable to move away from the way that Shinwon gripped onto Yanan’s hand as if his life depended on it. Hyunggu was terrified. He didn’t know what he was terrified of, but the way that Shinwon was acting chilled him to the core. His joking “You’re gonna be the death of me,” from earlier that day rang in Hyunggu’s ears loud and clear. 

After wandering through town in an uneasy silence for what seemed like hours (but in reality was only a few minutes), they found themselves in a garden, sitting on the edge of a fountain. The sounds of the city still filled the distant air, but louder was the calming sound of the fountain. Hyunggu stared at Shinwon expectantly, wondering what type of explanation he was about to get. When the other turned to face him, he was met with an expression that was a mix of fear and dread.

“It’s going to be okay,” Yanan said, squeezing the other’s hand. Shinwon’s face broke into a grimace.

“You of all people should know how loaded that statement is,” he turned back to Hyunggu, and took a deep breath. “Remember a while back? When we went to that bookstore together, and I got those books about flowers?” He asked.

Flowers?

Hyunggu frowned in confusion. Of course he remembered, that had been a lovely day, but what did flowers have to do with any of this? What was he missing?. He slowly nodded.

“Well the truth is, when I bought those books, it wasn’t because I suddenly cared about flowers. If anything, I hate them more than ever. The irony of us having this conversation in a damn garden is almost funny,” he paused, reaching down and brushing his fingers against the petals of a violet. “I bought those books because I have a rare disease. It’s extremely rare, actually, but of course with my luck I’d have it. When I started getting symptoms I had to look up what they meant because they were unlike anything I’d experienced before,” he trailed off as he drew his hand away from the violet, his face almost disgusted.

Something about where the conversation was going seemed familiar to Hyunggu, like something from a fairytale he’d heard as a child. But it was a fairytale, and Hyunggu barely remembered anything about it. None of this felt right. 

“It’s called Hanahaki disease,” Shinwon finally spoke, and Hyunggu knew suddenly what was happening. “Very few people actually get it, but for those who do, they’re cursed to have flowers grow in their lungs when their love is unrequited. I…” Shinwon paused, covering his mouth and Hyunggu didn’t miss the way that Yanan tensed. He stood there for a moment like that before regaining enough composure to continue speaking. “I have more than just one flower though. I have it for more than one person. One of the flowers I’ve been coughing up lately…” he looked back down at the violet and then locked eyes with Hyunggu, and the look in his eyes sent chills down Hyunggu’s spine. No no no, this couldn’t be right. There was no way that… “is violet. It’s for you, Hyunggu.” 

_ You’re going to be the death of me. _

The words rang in Hyunggu’s mind painfully and it was his turn to take a step back and cover his mouth. Where Shinwon had maintained a (relatively) calm composure through his confession, Hyunggu was overcome with a wave of emotion. Pain, hurt, love, fear, sorrow; all of it hit him like a truck, knocking the wind from his lungs. His mind was trying to process too many things at once. Shinwon loved him. Romantically. Shinwon, who he’d been not so subtly pining after for ages, loved him. And the damned fool was so oblivious that it was literally killing him. Hyunggu knew that if he had multiple flowers for multiple people, his actions alone wouldn’t be enough to save the other’s life, but that didn’t stop him from stepping forward, eyes brimming with tears, and wrapping him in a tight embrace. 

“You don’t need to worry about those violets anymore, Shinwonnie. I’m here. I love you.” He said softly, his voice cracking. He couldn’t help the sob he let out at Shinwon tentatively wrapped his arms around him. “You didn’t have to go through that pain, you could have told me… I should have made it more clear to you how I feel, I should h-”

“Don’t blame yourself. Please.” Shinwon cut him off, leaning so that their foreheads were touching. “None of this is your fault. Don’t ever think it’s your fault.” Shinwon whispered back, his voice betraying him by cracking. He couldn’t help the tears that sprang to his eyes. He knew Hyunggu would blame himself and it hurt like hell to see him do so. Seeing him cry always made him emotional. They sunk to the ground, continuing to sob into each other’s arms. 

Yanan let out a sigh of relief, bending down to wrap them both in a warm hug. “We’ll figure this out, okay?” He said softly, rubbing circles on their backs. “We’ve got to. Things will work out.”

Shinwon sincerely hoped that Yanan was right. 

-

After that day in the garden, things between Shinwon, Yanan, and Hyunggu fell into a sort of unspoken pattern. It felt too easy, being with them. Neither of them seemed jealous of the other. They both always gave Shinwon their undivided attention and doted on him as if their lives depended on it anytime he even looked slightly unwell. Shinwon himself was caught in a weird limbo. On one hand, he was hopelessly in love with Yanan and Hyunggu and he was thankful every day to love them and be loved back by them. On the other hand, there were still seven flowers growing in his lungs. 

He didn’t have to see them to know they were there. Even the three he’d yet to actually see bloomed, constricting around his insides like a snake. While he might have outwardly seemed fine as he wasn’t coughing or getting sick, he could feel the flowers sucking the life out of him. It was a matter of time. 

It would be foolish to hope that he’d fall out of love with the others and that the flowers would disappear on their own. He saw them far too often and was reminded daily why he loved them. And while him, Hyunggu, and Yanan had been trying to keep their relationship on the downlow to evade the attention of the staff, they didn’t go unnoticed by the members. Hyunggu and Yanan both had different approaches to what they thought Shinwon should do.

They both believed it would be best for Shinwon to tell the others how he felt. Hyunggu would periodically bring it up, saying that he believed that the others probably felt the same way. He was always careful to add that he should do it on his own time, not because he was telling him to. Shinwon knew he meant well, but he wasn’t accounting for multiple factors. First, there was the wild card of Hyojong. Hyojong, who Shinwon didn’t- couldn’t tell. He didn’t want to jeopardize the relationship and happiness the other had fought so hard to build. On top of that, whether or not he told him, he knew without a doubt that the flower would remain. Secondly, even if everyone miraculously reciprocated his feelings, where would they go from there. While Shinwon was anything but opposed to dating everybody, wouldn’t something so crazy cause problems? How would something like that ever even work out without jealousy or tension arising between them?. Maybe Shinwon wasn’t giving them enough credit because Hyunggu and Yanan seemed perfectly content with the current arrangement, but it was still something that worried Shinwon to the core.

Yanan, on the other hand, took a much more blunt approach. Shinwon knew he was being hard on him because he didn’t want to see anything happen to him, but sometimes the bluntness was painful. He, like Hyunggu, thought that there was a decent chance that the others might reciprocate his feelings. However, when Shinwon brought up his worries of there being drama between the members, Yanan had point blank said that it didn’t matter if they were jealous of each other, that it just mattered that they reciprocate his feelings. Shinwon knew that he was right, but when Yanan worded it like that, it sounded so cold and cruel. Shinwon didn’t want to die, but he was even more afraid of the group falling apart because of something so petty as jealousy between the members.

And what neither of them seemed to take into consideration was the very high probability that not everyone would reciprocate his feelings. And then what? They’d let the guilt eat away at them and blame themselves for Shinwon’s slow demise? Or even worse, they’d take pity on him and try to make things work, but the flowers would stay because the feelings weren’t really there. Shinwon didn’t see any clear way for himself to win, but anytime he brought up the fact that he was dying, he could see the fear flash behind Hyunggu’s eyes, the pained expression that painted Yanan’s features. He couldn’t die on them, but he couldn’t forget everyone else either. They all knew that and were stuck in a situation they couldn’t even begin to dig out of.

-

Time passed and Shinwon didn’t notice anything different in his condition. Yeah, he didn’t feel great, but he didn’t really feel any worse either. Maybe the disappearance of two of the flowers had put his body in a stalemate, but he couldn’t complain about the current calm. Every once in a while, he’d cough or sneeze and a stray petal would appear - some familiar, others not so much. He didn’t worry about the new ones as much anymore because his feelings had become much more clear to himself. He’d known they were growing - he could feel them - so what difference did actually seeing them make. 

He was laying on the couch and scrolling through his phone, Hyunggu nestled in the bend of his legs with a book and coffee. He’d asked to borrow Shinwon’s book about the disease, wanting to further understand it outside of what he’d known through childhood tales, and Shinwon gladly offered the book to him. Hyunggu, unlike Shinwon, wasn’t afraid to carry the book around openly and when anyone questioned him about the book, he simply brushed it off by saying he was curious about the topic. Some of the members knew about its existence while others lived in an ignorant bliss. 

That day however, Wooseok wandered into the living room, rubbing the sleep out of the corners of his eyes. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the book in Hyunggu’s hands, rereading the title multiple times with dark and concerned eyes. Then he looked up from the book between Hyunggu and Shinwon. “Don’t tell me it’s Shinwon,” he said. Hyunggu choked on his coffee and Shinwon dropped his phone on his face. How the hell had he figured it out so easily? 

“I…” Shinwon said lamely, not knowing how to finish the sentence. 

“I knew something was wrong with you from the start. Ever since that day at rehearsal. Why haven’t you gotten a cure yet?” His eyes bore into Shinwon’s skull. He didn’t know whether the other was going to offer comfort or slap him for not saying anything sooner. 

“Well… it’s complicated,” Shinwon said. He wondered how many different times he’d have to go through the whole spiel of being in love with everyone. Would it ever get easier? Wooseok listened patiently, staring into Shinwon’s eyes with such an intensity that he found himself looking away out of embarrassment. When he finished explaining himself, including what he now had with Hyunggu and Yanan, he hesitantly met Wooseok’s eyes. He couldn’t read the other’s expression as he just sat there, staring at him. He wasn’t saying anything either and the silence was unnerving. Shinwon was about to apologize for being a burden and causing them all troubles, but just as he opened his mouth to do so, Wooseok leaned in, giving him a swift and delicate kiss. 

“I love you, so don’t go dying on me, okay?” He said, patting the top of Shinwon’s head before getting up and wandering out into the kitchen to get coffee. Shinwon gawked at the other as he walked away. Out of all of them, he had the calmest composure. It was almost like he was expecting it. Shinwon couldn’t begin to imagine what signs the other had seen that had allowed him to be so unsurprised, but he let out a sigh of relief. Some of the pressure on his lungs lightened. 

When Wooseok returned to the room, Shinwon opened his mouth to question him on how he knew, but the other beat him to it. “It’s not that I knew you had Hanahaki, but I knew that something was off about you. I also knew that you had the same feelings towards me that I do towards you. I just didn’t realize how important it actually was to get it out there sooner rather than later. Also, I didn’t want to intrude on you, Hyunggu and Yanan, but that doesn’t seem to be a problem,” he said with a nonchalant shrug. 

“Oh…” was all Shinwon could manage. Wooseok was always so much more perceptive than anyone gave him credit for. 

“Well I for one am glad to have you join me and Yanan in the Shinwon Protection Squad,” Hyunggu said, shooting Wooseok a huge grin and reaching over Shinwon to give him a fist bump. 

“Glad to be here,” Wooseok replied, giving a mock salute. “Oh, also…” he turned back to face Shinwon. “I don’t see why it would be a problem given the situation you already have going for you, but I have someone else I’m also in a relationship with, although we’ve been keeping it on the downlow for the some of the same reasons as you guys. But my relationship isn’t the main point of me telling you this. He likes you too, so you can cross whatever flower you have for Yuto off your death list as well,” Wooseok rubbed the back of his neck, giving a cheesy grin.

“Oh really? Knowing him, he’s going to be so embarrassed that you told me that,” Shinwon said, laughing. Wooseok and Yuto, huh? He couldn’t say he was surprised and he was more than happy for them. He could also feel in his lungs that Wooseok’s words were genuine. 

“Yeah, maybe so. I think he’ll understand though when he finds out about your situation. Either way, we’d both be happy to have you,” Wooseok offered a small smile, his eyes gleaming. 

It was as if on cue that Yuto walked out. Seeing the way that Wooseok leaned into Shinwon, the other scoffed. “Finally get the balls to say something?” He asked teasingly. Shinwon didn’t miss the mischievous glint that flashed across the younger’s features.

“Oh yeah. Don’t worry, I had enough for the both of us!”

The smug grin disappeared off of Yuto’s face immediately and was quickly replaced with a deep flush. The other always seemed so confident and cool on stage, but off stage it wasn’t hard to make him a flustered mess. “‘Seokie, why did you tell him!?” He asked, burying his face in his hands.

“He needed to hear it! Besides, he likes us both anyways!” Wooseok responded, wrapping an arm around Shinwon’s shoulder. It was now his turn to be flustered apparently. His face heated up as the younger nodded towards him with an innocent, “Right, Wonnie?”

“Y-yeah,” he stammered, “but it’s more complex than he’s making it sound,” Shinwon said, explaining briefly about the Hanahaki and the fact that he was whipped for their entire group. Yuto slowly uncovered his face to listen to what Shinwon had to say. While he’d heard of the disease before, he had no idea it was actually real. He’d grown up hearing tons of stories about it - he wasn’t an idiot - but they’d always seemed to be just that: stories. If Shinwon was that sick, then he’d forgive Wooseok for sharing such an embarrassing secret. Although, in hindsight, why should loving someone be embarrassing?. Maybe it was just that Yuto was embarrassed by most things he did. 

“Well, you can count on me and Wooseok to be here for you and help support you through everything,” Yuto finally said when Shinwon was finished speaking. Seeing the other sick and in pain recently had been distressing, and he just wanted him to get better again. If anyone dared break the poor fool’s heart, then Yuto would be having words with them. Or punching them. One or the other. 

“I told you things would work out,” Hyunggu said, beaming as Yuto took a seat next to Woosoek. 

-

Shinwon wished everything could be as easy as it’d been thus far. While Yanan, Hyunggu, Wooseok and Yuto returned his feelings, that didn’t account for the other five flowers that were blooming in his chest. Despite the absence of four of them, Shinwon could feel his condition beginning to take a turn for the worse. On top of his declining health, nobody would let him be by himself anymore. One of his boyfriends was always close, always on edge. He felt helpless; he felt like he was being babysat. He didn’t miss the way Yuto would flinch anytime he cleared his throat or the way that Hyunggu’s grip on his hand would tighten anytime he took a deeper breath than normal. He knew that they were trying their best to make him comfortable and happy but he couldn’t help but feel like he was bringing the whole group down. 

A few more weeks passed as him and the others grew closer and more accustomed to the situation. While Yuto and Wooseok were the only ones who were dating each other in whatever sort of web they had built, Hyunggu was always affectionate towards everyone. He had the privilege of loving whole-heartedly. Yanan was the most distant out of them. He loved Shinwon and he was glad that he was able to have such beautiful relationships with the others, but he was distant. He was too much of a worrier and no matter how hard Shinwon tried to convince him that he was fine, the other knew that he was anything but.

It was a rare time when all of them (with the exception of Hyojong) were in the living room, crowded around the table as they played board games. Hui, Hyunggu, and Hongseok were playing scrabble but since they were using English words, Hongseok was royally kicking their asses. Shinwon, Changgu, Jinho, and Wooseok were playing Catan. They were all about equally bad at it, but Shinwon had managed to more or less get a monopoly on the sheep tiles. Those were the only cards in his hand though. Yuto and Yanan watched the game go down. They had both wanted to play, but they wanted to watch a game first since neither of them knew how to play. Every once in a while, Yuto would speak up to ask why someone had made a certain move or how they had done something, but Yanan analyzed the game with a silent but strategic gaze.

Game nights were Shinwon’s favorite, which was why it was to his dismay when he felt a thick pain in his throat. He drank some water to try to ease the pain and discomfort, but it didn’t go away. “I’ll be right back,” he said, his voice barely rising above a whisper as he stood up and made a beeline to the bathroom. He willed himself not to gag until the door was closed, but then he collapsed to the ground, coughing until his throat was raw. He heard chairs move and multiple footsteps coming his way, but he couldn’t seem to catch his breath. It’d been a while since he’d had this bad of an attack. Of course it had to be when everyone was gathered together. He gasped for air, struggling to inhale around whatever was still in his throat. When he coughed, all that came out was blood. Dark and thick without a hint of petals. He gave a final retch, his throat burning in agony. When he looked down, floating in the pool of blood was a full sunflower entangled with a dahlia. He hung his head in defeat as he heard the door swing open behind him.

He heard Yanan’s voice protesting and then he felt a pair of hands grab each arm and drag him up. He was aware that he was being led to the living room and he was also aware of the faucet in the kitchen running and the hushed whispers that filled the room. Hui came to focus in front of him, holding a glass of water. “Don’t gulp it down all at once or you’ll feel worse,” he instructed, his face filled with concern.

Shinwon reached for the glass with a shaky hand, nodding slowly and taking a slow sip from the glass. The water did little to soothe the burning in his throat. 

“Why have you been hiding this from us, Shinwon?” Hui asked in an eerily calm tone. Shinwon knew that Hui was anything other than calm. He knew him too well. The other was probably struggling to keep his voice even because he always put the burden of having to handle everything in a calm manner on himself. 

“I…” Shinwon thought of the dahlia and the way it’s red petals had blended with the blood surrounding it. He thought about Hui’s steady and concerned gaze on him. He was smart, he’d probably seen that there were multiple flowers. He could probably assess the situation. “I don’t know…” Shinwon let his head droop so that it rested on Hui’s shoulder. He didn’t understand how Hui could be so patient of a person. The way the other reached out to reassuringly pat his head made Shinwon’s heart clench. 

“Those aren’t the only ones, are they?” 

Shinwon slowly shook his head, not trusting them to speak.

“Is it all of us?” He asked, although Shinwon could tell that Hui already knew what the answer was going to be. He nodded. 

“Shinwon, I love you but you’re a fool.” He finally said after a long pause. He planted a kiss on Shinwon’s forehead. “You shouldn’t have let yourself suffer alone for so long,” he whispered.

“He wasn’t alone,” Yanan spoke up, breaking the quiet that had settled over the room. “He had us,” he said as he gestured between himself, Hyunggu, Wooseok, and Yuto. Hui looked over at the others and gave a sad smile.

“Thank you for taking care of him.” He was cupping Shinwon’s cheek and tracing shapes with his thumb absentmindedly. The four in question nodded and then Hui turned his attention on Hongseok, Changgu, and Jinho. The others stared at Shinwon with expressions that varied from shock, sorrow, and terror. Shinwon’s stomach lurched at the last, already knowing what the outcome was going to be. Maybe with knowledge, he’d be able to get over it quicker.

Changgu walked over and reached for Shinwon’s hand, giving it a soft squeeze. “I’m still figuring out a lot about myself, but I’d be a fool if I didn’t admit I had feelings for you as well,” he said, giving him a warm smile that could have lit up the room. 

Hongseok followed close behind Changgu. “I knew you were a chaotic poly disaster, but I didn’t realize how much. I love you bro. Full homo.” He winked, trying to lighten the situation. 

Shinwon could feel the pain in his lungs slowly clearing, but he knew that two of the flowers would remain. The sunflower and what he’d identified during one of his smaller attacks as a poppy.

Jinho hadn’t moved from the spot he’d been standing in. He hadn’t said anything. He stood in that corner, pale as a ghost and absolutely petrified. He was petrified because of what he was about to say, what he had to say. It was terrible to admit, but even worse to lead Shinwon on. Yeah, it was better to just lay it on the table rather than give him false hope. “Shinwon I…” All eyes in the room turned towards him with a mixture of expressions. It felt like everyone was holding their breath, and when he met eyes with Shinwon, he could tell that the other already knew what was coming. 

“I can’t.”

The words hung there, leaving Jinho feeling smaller than ever. He was filled with guilt and shame, but there wasn’t any other way around it. He couldn’t just make himself magically be attracted to Shinwon and he knew pretending would get them nowhere. He felt like everyone was drilling holes through his body with their gazes. Nobody said anything for a long time. Jinho didn’t blame them. How were they even supposed to reply. 

“It’s okay, Jinho. I know,” Shinwon said through a sad smile. A smile that did absolutely nothing to hide the devastation that was painted across his features. Jinho watched as Yanan protectively wrapped an arm around Shinwon’s shoulder, whispering something in his ear. When he pulled back, he met eyes with Jinho and his expression was that of someone who was livid. He could see Shinwon mouth at Yanan not to worry, but his words seemed lost to the other. 

Hongseok got up, shaking his head. He touched Jinho’s shoulder as he walked past to leave the room, but the action was anything but comforting. It was cold. They all hated him now. Jinho knew it and the sooner he accepted it the better. There was no way in hell he could mend things with any of them. Especially Shinwon. Shinwon who he loved and cherished with his entire heart, but not in the way that was so desperately needed. If he didn’t get over him, he’d die and it would all be Jinho’s fault. Jinho could feel Shinwon’s eyes on him as he continued to spiral. Jinho could accept it if he chose to get his flower removed, if he chose to forget. He didn’t like it, but he didn’t see a better alternative.

“I’m not getting the flowers removed. You’re not the only one who still has a flower.”

“Shit,” Hongseok cursed from in the kitchen, almost dropping the glass he was holding.

“Hyojong,” Hui finished the thought that was on everyone else’s mind.

Shinwon nodded slowly. The tension in the room only rose. 

“We’ll figure something out. I promise,” Hongseok tried to reassure, but Shinwon only shook his head. 

“There’s nothing to figure out. I’m not going to barge in and disrupt his life. He’s worked too hard to be able to have the relationship that he does have. I’m happy for him, I really am. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Shinwon…” Hui said, frowning.

“No. Hyunggu and Yanan know. Yuto and Wooseok know. I don’t want to remove any of the flowers. I don’t want to forget the people who are important to me. I don’t care about the pain it causes me.”

“What about the pain it causes everyone else?” Jinho spoke up. All eyes in the room turned to him. He was an outsider. He didn’t have any place in the conversation. But he also knew that everyone else in the room was thinking the same thing. “You can’t possibly be considering making the people who you love and who love you watch you die? I’m ready to accept you forgetting me. I’ll be understanding and patient with you. I’m not ready to watch you die.” 

“Jinho…” Hyunggu said softly in warning. Shinwon wasn’t who he was worried about. He could see the way that Yanan kept clenching and unclenching his fist. His knuckles were white. 

“I know you all probably hate me now, and it’s fine. I understand. But think of everyone who loves you. Think of Universe.”

“You think he hasn’t?” Yanan asked, his voice unnervingly cold. “You think he hasn’t spent every day wondering and trying to come up with ways to make things better? I’ve been by his side through this whole thing. He’s told me countless fears and worries. Of course he’s thought of how it could affect everyone else. He’s thought of countless scenarios. There’s no easy way out of this.” 

Jinho opened his mouth to respond. After this was all said and done, he wouldn’t even remember what he was going to say. He never got the chance to voice whatever thought was going through his mind because in the time it took him to inhale to speak, Yanan had managed to propel himself across the room. When did Jinho end up on the ground? Why was there a dull ache in his jaw? His brain rushed to catch up with what had just happened.

“Holy shit, Yanan,” a voice said, and Jinho was vaguely aware of the fact that Wooseok and Yuto had manifested on either side of Yanan to pull him away before he could do anything else. The other slowly seemed to realize what he’d just done and his expression of anger melted away into guilt.

“Shit, Jinho. I’m sorry… I…” he brushed Wooseok and Yuto off of him, bending down and extending a hand to help Jinho back up. 

“I probably deserved it, yeah?” Jinho gave a weak laugh, letting Yanan pull him off of the ground. 

Yanan shook his head, frowning at the ground. “No… you can’t help who you love. It’s not your fault,” he said. His voice was devoid of feeling and his eyes were blank. 

Shinwon watched from his spot on the couch sadly. He didn’t know what he’d expected to happen. Yanan punching Jinho was definitely not it though. At least the other seemed to calm down after realizing what he’d done but… violence by any means wasn’t the answer. He cleared his throat slowly and everyone’s heads whipped to face him. After all, he was the one at the center of all the drama. They didn’t need to pit themselves against each other. 

“Don’t worry about me. Really. I’m okay. I’ll text Hyojong and tell him we need to talk, and hopefully I can figure out a solution that will cause as few people pain as possible. Things will work out.” They have to. Shinwon wasn’t sure what his exact plan was yet. He couldn’t keep Hyojong oblivious to things no matter how much telling the other scared him. Not when the sunflowers growing in his lungs were blooming the quickest. If he was being honest, he wasn’t sure how much time he had left to get rid of it. He only hoped he had enough time to tell the other. 

-

He walked to a nearby cafe. It was the same one he always met Hyojong (and usually Hyuna) at. He didn’t have an umbrella and rain fell from the sky in thick sheets. It’d been a couple of days since everyone found out, and while he told them that he’d talked with Hyojong and they figured out a time that worked for them both, everyone else sat in unease. He knew what they were worried about. What if he couldn’t make it that long. But there he was, walking through the doors of the cafe, water dripping off of his clothes and his hair matted to his forehead. 

“Shinwon!” He heard a shout from the corner of the cafe. He turned to see Hyojong waving at him enthusiastically, although he didn’t miss the concern that spread across the others face. “Why didn’t you bring an umbrella! You’re going to get sick,” he scolded as a very wet Shinwon sat across from him.

“I already am,” he began, “which is what I actually came to talk to you about.”

Hyojong’s easy-going demeanor immediately changed and he frowned. “What’s going on, Wonnie?”

“I… it’s a long story…” Shinwon laughed coldly.

“I have all day,” Hyojong said, pushing a mug that was still steaming across the table to Shinwon. It was his usual drink, and Shinwon felt a pang at how thoughtful the other was.

“Okay. I’d tell you to sit down, but we already are. It’s… there’s not an easy way for me to explain it but I want to… I need to be completely transparent with you…” Shinwon stammered. He couldn’t even think of where to begin, how to tell Hyojong everything in the easiest way possible.

“Stop stalling and tell me what this is about, then.”

“I have Hanahaki.”

Hyojong stared at him with wide eyes, but didn’t say anything. 

“I’ve had it for a while now, and it’s been for multiple people.”

Hyojong waited patiently as Shinwon tried to formulate his thoughts.

“Thankfully things have worked out for the most part but…” he trailed off, staring at his hands. 

Hyojong reached forward, hesitantly touching one of them. He knew where this was going.

“I still have two flowers left. One of them is for Jinho, but he… he doesn’t feel the same. The other is…” Shinwon faltered, squeezing Hyojong’s hand in his and willing himself not to tear up. “It’s for you, Hyojongie. The first flower I found, and it’s still going strong. I’m so sorry.” His head hung in shame and it broke Hyojong’s heart. 

“Don’t blame yourself.”

Shinwon met eyes with Hyojong, confusion filling his features. “I don’t know what else to do,” he said, his voice small. 

“I…” Hyojong trailed off, looking indecisive. “Give me a second, I’ll be right back. I swear on my life, I’ll be right back.” He said finally, standing up quickly and walking outside. Shinwon watched as the other stood outside the shop, pulling his phone out of his pocket and quickly dialling a number. He cast a glance back at Shinwon through the window, his brows knitted together in concern. Shinwon couldn’t read his lips as he had a conversation on the phone, but he could guess who it was with. He watched him run a shaky hand through his hair, he watched the way that he inhaled slowly to keep himself from crying. He watched every change in his expression throughout the phone call until the other walked back in.

When he did, instead of sitting back down, he pulled Shinwon up by the shoulder of his still-drenched jacket, leading him into the bathroom. To say Shinwon was confused was an understatement. He didn’t know what Hyojong was planning. When the door closed behind them, Hyojong was quick to pull the other into a deep embrace. 

“I love you so much. Please don’t doubt that. I wish you’d said something sooner,” the other said. Shinwon didn’t miss the way the other sniffled as he tried to hold back tears. He didn’t know how to reply. Of all the people to return his feelings, he’d never have guessed… The other pulled back, fixing a steady gaze on him and taking a deep breath before he pulled him in and met his lips with a deep kiss. 

Shinwon could tell his feelings were genuine. He didn’t understand it, but he could feel the sunflowers in his chest fading away. He kissed him back. When Hyojong made no move to stop, he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. Hyojong’s lips were dry and chapped, but none of it mattered to Shinwon. His own were probably just as chapped, if anything. His mind was reeling as he tried to comprehend what was actually happening. He was soaked and him and Hyojong were kissing in the bathroom of a coffee shop. Thankfully it was a single room, and not one with stalls, otherwise Shinwon would have feared someone walking in on them. 

When they finally pulled apart, Shinwon couldn’t take his eyes off of Hyojong. His lips were red, his eyes were still puffy from tears. He was a mess, but he was beautiful. Shinwon cupped the back of the other’s head with a hand, running his fingers through the soft strands of pale hair. He didn’t understand how someone who bleached their hair so often had such soft hair, but he didn’t question it. 

“I wish I told you sooner,” Shinwon whispered, his voice low. “I didn’t realize that you... “ he trailed off, thinking of Hyuna. He was almost positive she was who Hyojong had called in a panic but he still felt guilty, like he was intruding. 

“How would you have known?” Hyojong asked. “I’ve never really shown much interest in anyone other than Hyuna, and we’ve been together for such a long time that it would have seemed unrealistic. I… I don’t know where we go from here but don’t ever doubt my love for you. Let’s finish our coffee before it gets cold, okay?” He asked, holding out a hand for Shinwon to take. The other took it gladly, following him back into the coffee shop. Thankfully, nobody seemed to have noticed their absence. They had more important things to worry about. 

“So… I know it’s probably sensitive, but what are you going to do about Jinho? If he doesn’t feel the same way, then your options are pretty limited, yeah?” Hyojong asked hesitantly. 

Shinwon nodded. “I’m not sure yet. I want to try to get over him, but that’s kind of hard to do when I’m around him constantly. I feel terrible though. He can’t help who he’s attracted to, and the fact that he feels guilty about what’s happening to me… I dunno. I feel like everyone else is gonna pin everything on him, but he didn’t do anything wrong. He still loves me and wants the best for me. His feelings just are platonic where everyone else is at least romantic. I wish platonic love was enough to cure this damn disease. I can tell he’s going to let the guilt eat away at him,” Shinwon took a long sip of his coffee, savoring the taste. He wasn’t even sure where to go as far as the others went. With the exception of him, Yanan, Hyunggu, and Wooseok, and Yuto, everyone else had skirted around actually establishing a relationship. Yeah, they were all affectionate with him and told him how much they loved him any chance they got, but when the actual topic of relationships came up, they got awkward. Maybe it was just the concept of the relationship in general that confused them. Maybe they should all sit down and talk about it. 

“If you can’t get over him, what are you gonna do? You’re not just gonna let yourself die are you?” Hyojong’s brows knitted together in concern. 

Shinwon shook his head, staring into his cup of coffee. “No… no they wouldn’t let me do that, and I know you wouldn’t let me do that either. If anything, you’d set Hyuna on me, and I don’t wanna incur her wrath.” Hyojong chuckled weakly at this., “If worst comes to worst, I’ll get the operation. I… I’m not the only one who’s had Hanahaki, so if they could cover one person up, then they can cover me up too. I just… I don’t want to forget him. I’m afraid of having to meet and get to know him all over again, Hyo. What if Universe sees right through it when we’re performing? Then what?”

“You’re overthinking things,” Hyojong said softly, taking hold of Shinwon’s hand and squeezing it. “We all have always put on a mask for them. Yeah, for the most part we’re true to ourselves, but I don’t think they’ll actually notice if you have to reorient yourself. It’d be much more noticeable if you forgot someone like… Hyunggu. Jinho’s never been the overly clingy-on-stage type so I think you’ll be fine. And besides, if you’re not the first one to have to get an operation, then they know the most effective way to help you remember things.”

“I guess you’re right…” Shinwon said, nodding slowly. He wasn’t sure it was his place to bring up the fact that Yanan had had Hanahaki before for him, so he didn’t elaborate much. Talking to Hyojong was what he’d needed all along. The other was always so calm and clear-headed. He always knew how to solve any problem. Things would work out one way or another. 

-

When Shinwon came too, he tried to make out the figures surrounding him in the blinding artificial light of the room. His ears felt like they were filled with cotton and he was still disoriented. Everything seemed to blend together. “Hey, how are you?” a familiar voice asked. Shinwon slowly turned his head to face the source of the voice and was met with an angel. The angel had a name, but his mind was still blurry. H… something. 

“Hey beautiful,” he said, cupping the angel’s face. The angel in question smiled, leaning into the touch, and Shinwon realized he could feel tears streaming down the other’s face.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, getting up so that the others could talk to him. 

“You worried me so much. I thought you were actually going to die. Never do that again, okay?” He put a name to the voice immediately this time, knowing it was Yuto. Shinwon couldn’t remember much though. Why did Yuto think he was going to die? What had he done? Yuto leaned forward and planted a soft kiss on Shinwon’s forehead before standing up.

“Thank you for being strong for us,” Wooseok’s voice this time, but it was on the other side of Shinwon, and his head still felt too heavy to move. He felt the other give his shoulder a reassuring squeeze so he hummed in acknowledgement. 

His attention was brought back to what was in front of him when Hui knelt down so that he was at eye level. “I was starting to get worried you were going to be stubborn,” he said. “I’m glad that you’re here now and that you’re doing well.” He leaned into Shinwon and gave him a soft kiss. This was nice. Shinwon was still pretty doped up on drugs, so he would have gladly spent the entire afternoon (or whatever time it actually was) kissing Hui. 

Next, it was Yanan’s turn to speak. “Things might feel overwhelming for you at first, but I’ll be at your side every step of the way. I love you.” He said, his voice soft and beautiful. He sounded sad, but Shinwon didn’t know why. He didn’t know why any of them sounded sad. He was confused to say the least. Something was off. 

“I love you. Stay strong bro,” Hongseok’s voice. He felt a strong hand pat his back, followed by a soft kiss on the top of his head. 

“I’m just glad you’re okay. I was worried about you,” Changgu’s voice.

Shinwon was struggling to follow everyone as they continued saying things to him. He nodded absentmindedly in response to most of it, still too groggy to completely understand. His head hurt. It felt like he was a magazine that a child had haphazardly cut random chunks out of. He knew they loved each other, but he didn’t know why he was in the hospital. Had he gotten into such a bad accident that he’d completely blacked out. And what was Yanan talking about when he said things might be overwhelming? What did that mean, anyways? 

“We had to fight with staff to be able to be here, but I wanted to see you when you woke up,” came Hyojong’s voice. Shinwon blinked a couple of times before Hyojong and Hyuna came into focus. 

“Hi Hyuna… thanks for letting me kiss your boyfriend,” Shinwon mumbled. Trying to form words was hard for him and Hyuna just laughed, burying her face in embarrassment. 

But things weren’t so easy. Despite the fact that Shinwon felt pretty lighthearted - confused, but lighthearted - the atmosphere was tense. It was like he was missing something. 

“I know you probably don’t know who I am,” a small voice broke the silence, “but I’m here for you anyways. I hope that we can be friends again,” Shinwon turned his attention to the owner of the voice in confusion. It was a shorter man with tousled hair. Shinwon’s brain insisted that he was familiar, but at the same time he could have sworn he’d never seen him in his life. What did he mean by hoping to be friends again? How did that work if he’d never met him before. He smiled at the stranger in confusion and didn’t miss the heartbreak in the other’s eyes. What was he missing? 

He had a suspicion that the stranger in question had to do with why he was missing so much from his memory, but he wasn’t sure why or what the correlation was. “I look forward to it,” he said finally, giving a quick nod. 

The room seemed to let out a collective breath at the response, but the time for chatting must have been over because the doctor returned with one of their managers and ushered everyone out of the room except for Yanan. And then they began to explain to him what had happened from the very beginning. 

-

Shinwon wasn’t sure what was more strange. Having no recollection of someone he was supposed to know, or finding out that he used to be in love with said person and that it almost killed him. After the initial debriefing on what had happened, Yanan hung back to tell Shinwon what would happen. Apparently when he’d gone through a similar thing, he’d had to watch lots of videos of them all interacting. It wasn’t the same as actually living those experiences, he’d admitted, but it had helped him form enough of an understanding that when he’d finally been allowed to live with them again, it was easy enough to get used to. Shinwon did as instructed.

It was strange, though, to watch and relive things from his past. Things that he was supposed to remember, but only had fragmented memories of. He saw himself interacting with the smaller man - Jinho was his name - but trying to comprehend that that was actually him and that he actually knew Jinho was something else. His mind was foggy. 

When he was finally allowed to return home, everyone greeted him with a warm reception. While he’d been able to fill in some of the gaps of his memory with the videos that he’d been told to watch as well as some of the stories Yanan had told him when he visited, it was still weird seeing Jinho in person. There was that familiarity that he’d felt when he’d initially woken up, but there was also that unfamiliarity that stuck with him no matter how many videos and stories he’d heard. While he felt like he’d gained a decent idea of Jinho’s personality through everything, it was still weird to see and interact with him in person. 

It didn’t help that Jinho tended to keep his distance.

Shinwon didn’t know if the other still blamed himself for the situation or what, but it was sad to see the other acting the way he was. Shinwon wanted to know what was going on in his head, and why instead of trying to be closer, he was distancing himself more and more. 

He didn’t know why Jinho was acting so distant until one day, when he went to grab something for the other out of his room. He’d just wanted a book off of his desk and Shinwon wasn’t one to pry into others’ personal belongings, but something peculiar caught his eye. On the floor under Jinho’s desk lay a single delicate and blood-stained forget-me-not. 

  
  



End file.
